THIRD HALF PRESENTS: A GRAPHIC REVIEW

VANQUISH (2010 BY SEGA)

(Don’t sue us or anything.)

EISHI DENNOU [Open Minded, Positive] VS. DIXIE SPARKS [Retro lover, pessimist]

EISHI: Hi~~~! Welcome to the show! I’m Eishi! Today, we’re gonna have a look at the awesome game, Vanquish!

(caption above brick wall: COVER)

DIXIE: Awesome?! As if! It’s just another third-person shooter! (Metal Gear noise)

EISHI: Ah, Dixie-tan?

DIXIE: Look, it’s got cover-based shooting, regenerating health, and bullet-timey slow-motion gimmicks. It’s like a perfect storm of modern gaming fuckery!

EISHI: “Bald Space Marine” stuff aside, Vanquish stands out with some rich use of color, emphasis on speed and manuevering, as well as some decidedly old-school design choices!

DIXIE (grinding foot into Eishi’s skull): Old school? You think PS1 is old school.

EISHI: Owwww… Seriously, look!

EISHI: This game has a tank with buzz saws and guys sticking out of it instead of side turrets! How is that boring?

Caption: LOOK, MORE COVER

DIXIE: How about if you fight teh (sic) same damn thing 20 times throughout the game?

TANK: They see me rollin’…

EISHI: Wellll… they do recycle a lot of bosses. But they do at least change the situations.

DIXIE: HA! Your argument is weak and that panel badly drawn!

EISHI: So was yours.

DIXIE: Fuck you.

EISHI: Can’t you see though? The stupidity? The sheer, overblown machismo? Vanquish eschews modern shooter cliches with its style and flair, evoking classic run-and-gun titles like Contra!

DIXIE: The hell it does! It’s another gimmicky shooter, with a ‘name’ director and swank paint on it. Also, why the hell do they tease all these fancy moves in cutscenes when your guy can’t even JUMP?

SO… WHO WINS!?

EISHI: Yay!
DIXIE: Meh.

(Eishi’s points)
-Slick look+feel
-Neat gadgets
-Easy to pick up, hard to ‘master’

(Dixie’s points)
-Not FFIV
-Uninteresting cast and plot
-Eishi likes it
-Mikami Cocktease

VERDICT: GOOD BUT NOT $50 GOOD

EISHI: That was fun! ‘Til next time, everyone!

DIXIE: Our artist declared you dead ONCE, you know… (sniping from behind ANOTHER CONVENIENT WALL)